Frustrated....

I'm frustrated...on so many different levels. I have no money in the bank, my only job consists of teaching disabled kids theater, once a week, and I don't even have money to pay for getting my car out of the shop, no less for groceries. It sucks. I should have money. I should have no problem finding a full time job, but I don't. I am a certified teacher with a Masters in Bilingual education, so how come I am broke and don't have a full time job? How is it that I don't even have money to pay the $450 to pay for my car and it's new radiator and get the new one out of the shop. Why am I always broke and having to borrow money from my Dad. When am I ever going to find a full time job or teaching job. I did get a part time job teaching English as a second language to immigrant adults. But, I had to postpone it for six weeks, so that I could keep my major part in my play, The Eigth Floor.

I am excited to have been selected to play 'Nurse Laura' in the production. We have had lots of rehearsals...usually about three times a week and I sure do wish we were going to be paid for our parts or all these rehearsals. Why are the arts so undervalued. To me, I take this seriously. I am so tired. Of course, Jose is not convinced it is worth it as I am not getting paid. Jose, my boyfriend, is always so critical...always rolling his eyes at me and telling me negative/sarcastic things. I know it is just kind of a joke...a silly 'Laurel and Hardy' stint we do again and again. I wish he and I shared more, talked more, played more, and just felt more connected. I wish he loved me more and I was a higher priority.

All this ranting. I can't help it...I'm in a ranting mood and really am pretty fed up of never having enough money and not even having the money to get my car out of the shop, to pay the bills, or even buys groceries is pretty humbling. Money is a big issue for us now. I know we are globally, and locally, in a recession right now. I hope things get better. Even as a certified bilingual teacher, I cannot seem to find a full time teaching job. I have a headhunter who is supposed to help me find a full time teaching job and even he has not been able to find me anything. I look in the local paper, the Houston Press, and they only have two pages of jobs and most of them are the same ads run, week after week. It is all very frustrating, disheartening, and hard on the relationship and the ego.

Why isn't acting valued more? I am a good actor, I have a major part in this play but, it is sponsored by a nonprofit agency who isn't paying us anything. That sucks. Why is life so hard? Why am I just surviving, when I should be thriving?

I am 41, single, cohabitating with a boyfriend who never wants to make me his fiancee. I juggle several short-term, part-time jobs, but have not had a full time job in years. There just aren't many out there these days. My Dad and other friends don't seem to understand, but it is true.

I am moderately happy, but not ravishingly so. I am dancing on the brink of greatness, but seem to get wedged in the cracks of life. I know I have so much potential and have heard it most of my life, yet I seem to be stuck in average.

I long to be happily married, to have a rewarding full time teaching or other professional job and even for my jewelry business to take off. I dream of being a world reknown actress, author, and talk show host. I have so many ideas, so many dreams but, sometimes, I feel I am just spinning my wheels.